If you knew you would be supported what would you do?
You know, some light hearted thinking as another year wraps up. Recently in a coaching session I was challenged, deeply to look at my world through new lenses. (side note, that is why having a coach is the best way to level up your life…. Just saying) It became really apparent to me that through my life experiences, opinions of others, traumas, successes, and survivals that I had come to adopt a mentality of separating my magic from my everyday life. One of the hardest mindset shifts that trauma has had on me is that I could not actually trust what I see around me, that I need verification from someone else because I was unable to protect myself before. I didn’t believe that I would be supported in big things, so I shrank my sites on just surviving, and in the process there was no room to just be me. I also learned that being big, seen, or showing up for myself resulted in life altering pain. The ever present message was that I was somehow too much, and not enough at the same time.
To protect myself I created a treehouse of sorts in my mind, where I could go and dream, interact with the world how I wanted, with a limited guest list. My treehouse was a symbol of safety, with tall ceilings, rope swings, dancing and music, fuzzy blankets, wine and whiskey and enormous cement walls around it to keep others out. In here I could magic, in here I could feel intense feelings and let myself go. In here I could be highly sensitive, affectionate, enthusiastic, and sensual. It was a beautiful way to find my way back to a part of me that I thought I had lost. In here I could heal. I recommend having your own safe place, this mental treehouse is a tool that I will forever be thankful that I have.
However, I began to get a little too good and saving my moments to shine for a small, select audience. The ones that knew the club house rules, heavily vetted voices. I would look to them to confirm that my ideas, my personhood, my heart were actually good, valuable or worth a damn. I am forever grateful for those that let me borrow hope in this journey and spent time with me in my treehouse. Their contributions to this life of mine are without measure. They helped me feel comfortable in my skin.
Now my coach interjected a new way of thinking; what if my specific version of being big, showing up, being too much or, not enough, could actually exist in my everyday life? What if my treehouse splendor was better suited to be put smack dab in the middle of all that I do, and all that I am? What if the world around me was actually hungry for the type of magic that I do well and by hiding out I was missing opportunities for connection and growth?
Dear heart, your own version of how you work to be of benefit to others and yourself is valuable! Without having to keep your head and eyes on a swivel for confirmation of your creation, YOU in this very moment are enough!
So as terrifying as this feels to me, I am going to set to the task of taking down my cement walls, and reclaim my moments of self confidence that were available to the highest bidder or loudest message. I trade a fragmented life of bite sized safety for a future of manifesting bold and meaningful moments with others. I trust that I have chosen a fantastic crew of close companions that will be my ride or die friends in this more cohesive way of living.
From now on, I am going to take it as a compliment, when someone tells me I am “so deep” “feel too much”, “extra” or “a lot”. That means they got to peak inside my treehouse in real time; and that is a victory for me! ‘Im living the life I had set out to live. Trauma didn’t trample me, pain didn’t silence me, I am still here, showing up for myself, but this time in my personal magic with skin on. Somehow that feels just a little less scary. You do not need anyone else’s permission to be awesome
What is your version of magic? Do you use it on the daily, or do you feel it should be edited for public consumption? What small ways can you start to integrate versions of you?
Side note: trauma is real, it is painful, complex and hard. If you are reading this and are still in a space of deeply healing from trauma be gentle with yourself, make your treehouse comfortable first before you invite others in. Find a counselor to walk you through this. To be an open hearted participant in your life, you must know the ins and outs of your story first. Make your treehouse comfortable, and try one person at a time into that safe space, and then build from there. We are all in different stages of the journey, you are seen and loved just as you are in this moment. Honestly you will know when it is time to let your tail feathers shake a little more, you are worthy of the time it takes to get