Wolves in Wonderland
Hear my undertones, smell into my reason. Trauma is not often perceived as logical to the outside world- but it is very visceral.
I am not in my body in this moment, for reasons that you or I will not generally know- a well time accidental nudge swept me down an alice in wonderland style portal- this timeshare of terror was imposed on me in a time long before you were here, I was given this as a thing to manage, and some days I do better than others- today I need your cooperation to get out of this place.
In this portal, my body is feeling that there are wolves, a pack of them with yellow eyes and snarling teeth coming for my ankles. I feel that I am running from an almost certain painful end- when you see my eyes get wild, and my body thrash- my words relentless like a storm- I am yelling at the wolves, I need them to hurt as bad as I do so then maybe they will stop- maybe my pain will make sense if the attacker finally feels it to.
My dear one, sometimes as I vacate my body and try to guard the gate of my being- my arrows meant for wolves come straight into your heart- and after I am done wildly swinging my spiritual being around I am mortified that my weapon pierced you- for you are the one I want to learn to love the best.
In this parallel universe many things look the same, but there are winds whispering lies in my ears, relentless heat or shivering that courses through my body- the physical discomfort is palpable. I turn to get water to drink, but the pond I move to plunge into, is a mirror into my face, and I feel shame in the very space that I am seeking some soothing.
I loathe this part of my heart, because in it I feel the least in control, the least regal, the least useful. Instead of water to soothe the heat, I settle for the tears that stream down my face, fearful to look deeper into the water and see even more of me that I dislike.
As the wind hisses lies against my worthiness, and the water teases me with hopes of respite smeared with compromises and covert contracts- the exhaustion rises and I am unable to keep this world silent- I snarl like the wolves, I scream into the wind, I slap the water and drink so fast i puke. There is no middle ground for me in this moment. Here I can only come full force or else I will freeze and be devoured.
In this moment, I feel like too much to explain- it is too much for me to even know. But you have shown yourself to be one that does not also go down the rabbit hole, you are still on the side of life that makes sense. In this moment, please tell me you see the wolves, that you are not afraid of them, or me- speak in opposition to the wind and remind me that I am enough.
